An Invitation to a Conversation
I've had quite a few conversations with male friends of mine over the past few months about the ways women are treated by society and I think I can go out on a limb right now and say:

Guys, you really don't get it.

No, I'm sorry, you don't. I've had over-educated friends, under-educated friends, and friends who would call themselves feminists if asked to put a label on themselves say some really clueless things to me, and I don't think they're doing it because they're stupid, sexist, or anti-women. I think they're doing it because they're oblivious. For example, when discussing if sexualising women in advertising is a bad thing (which I started thinking about a lot more when I read this article on gender roles in advertising), I was told "But, look how far things have gone - 100 years ago, women didn't have the vote!" When bringing up that using a semi-naked picture of a woman who had taken four men to court for rape and was found to have lied about it (one of the accused had a video of the whole thing that showed her consenting) I was told "but she obviously consented to the photo being taken at some point, she had to know she was going to lose control of it - she shouldn't complain!" When discussing the idea that pornography is exploitive of women, I was told that not all porn sites are, and those that this particular person went to that *were* exploitive were okay because he didn't think they used advertising - and was accused of being on the attack when I told him to prove it (he couldn't - it did).

People are exposed to sexist images all the time (and really, check out that link - it talks about how often in advertising men are being shown as stupid or foolish), but when the sexualised images are of someone they can't identify with, they don't seem to notice them as much. (For an example of my own blind spot: I had to have trixibell point out to be that there is only one black man in the entire run of Sin City, and he's pretty monstrous.) It's not so much that I blame them for not noticing, it's how they react when I point it out.

I've been told "you're taking this too personally" because I think it's wrong to to use a picture a woman allowed someone she trusted to take in order to sensationalise a story, regardless of what the story is about. (Why not use a picture of her coming out of the court room?) I've been told "It could be so much worse - stop complaining" when discussing that I think sexual images of women to sell things is a way of exploiting women. (But it could be so much better, don't you see? And yes, sex sells - but do we have to let it?) I've been told that "If we make things like this illegal just because they offend some people, it's a slippery slope until we ban everything that could possibly offend anyone." (But saying something is *wrong* isn't saying it should be illegal - I think it's wrong to be rude to disabled people on the bus, but I don't think it should be illegal, just strongly discouraged.)

I guess I'm wondering why it's wrong to take something like sexism personally when it affects me every day. I'm wondering why I shouldn't complain just because I have the vote and can work out of the home and can walk down the street wearing a miniskirt and kick-ass boots if I so please. I'm wondering why saying "this is wrong" is taken as "this should be banned". I don't want books I think are full of wrong ideas and hate to be banned. I don't even want poorly written books with awful grammar to be banned, because I'm not about banning those things. I'm about writing to newspapers and telling them 'Cry Rape Girl in Four Man Orgy' is not a good headline on so many levels. I'm about saying "Look, this image is using a woman draped on a car to sell the damned car - why not just *sell the car* based on the car?" I'm about saying "But clicking on a website that exploits women in their pornography *is* supporting them, because the damned things are covered in advertising and they get paid per page view - it's not a casual walk by a billboard, it's an active choice." I'm about people thinking about what they are doing, and what what they are doing *means*.

I know there are other issues out there - I dated a man who refused to eat bananas because he wouldn't support Del Monte and other banana producers that exploited the people in third world countries. I knew another one who would never ever ever eat or buy anything from Nestle because of Nestle pushing formula on women in the third world, thus ensuring that they wouldn't breast feed. I know another who will never step foot in McDonald's because of their decisions on the world stage. I *know* there are other issues out there.

But why should I be told that it's okay to be sexist because of that? Would it be okay for me to be racist, homophobic, or anti-religious freedom if I argued for women's rights?

I suspect not.

ETA: I did not delete any comments in this post. error503 has chosen to remove himself from the conversation. I have copies of all of his comments if you wish to read them.