Entry tags:

open source boobs program, open source women back each oher up prog

Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Program
Starting here at vito_excalibur

(I have edited this a bit to reflect my not being her)

Here's my pledge: if I see somebody groping you in public, and you're not moaning Yes! Yes! Yes!, I will break through your Somebody Else's Problem invisibility field and come over and ask if you're okay. If your situation looks dangerous enough I can't help on my own, I will call over friends or, if it's situation in which I think the cops would be on your side, I will call the cops. If you're being harassed by someone, you can say so to me, even if you don't know me. I pledge I will distract him so you can get away, or I will tell him that he needs to leave, or whatever I can do to the best of my ability. I pledge that yes, actually, because you are a woman I will give you the benefit of the doubt. If you tell me that a guy just did something shitty to you I will not refuse to look at any evidence and tell you that I know him and he's a great guy and you must have been imagining things. I have great loyalty to my male friends but I will not allow that to blind me to the fact that none of us are saints and even my best friends can screw up and may need to be called on it. I pledge that I will walk you to your car if you don't feel safe walking alone at night, and then you can drive me to mine.

Yes, even at Wiscon.I pledge that even if I don't know you, if there is a creepy guy following you around, you can say so, and I will not say to you go hide in your room; I will say to him go find another party, or if necessary, go home. I will come with you if you need to talk to the con organizers. I will not make you feel like your right to control over your own body is not a big deal.

And I will do this whether or not I like you, or even know you. It's not about liking you. It's about the fact that we need to back each other up, and I will need you to do this for me some day.

And I say this knowing that the first thing that is going to happen is that someone is going to start talking about how if everyone did this then women could just lie about men and get them kicked out of places. Well, obviously I don't want that to happen. I realize that this is open to abuse. You know what else is open to abuse? THE FUCKING STATUS QUO. If the choice is between the possibility of men worrying that if they offend a woman she can easily get them kicked out of a con, and the actuality of women quietly staying home from cons in droves because they don't want men to harass them; quietly saying nothing about their harassment because they know people will tell them it's no big deal, or it's never happened to them and so frankly they don't believe in it; I am going to deal with the problem that actually exists first. Should we somehow get to the point where the stereotype of a SF con is wall-to-wall women in razorwire bras, and men don't show their faces because they're afraid of being arrested; we can go ahead and work on that problem then.

Anecdote:

I have no idea why I kept LARPing after my first experience.

Before I tell this story, I will say this: The organiser of the event I'm about to talk about is someone I consider a very good friend to this day. He was much younger then than he is now. I also suspect that he has no recollection of this event, nor do I blame him for that.

But fuck my first LARP was shitty.

See, I was playing this character who was mortal at a vampire game. I didn't know most of the people at the game - I'd only recently moved to the city, and I was a bit worried about what this strange vampire-LARPing thing was and how it worked. But, I went with my then-lover and close friend and figured everything would be fine. I expressed my worry and discomfort to the game organiser, who let me play this mortal character who wouldn't be much involved in anything and let me get a feel for the stuff.

Except for the bit where one of the male players used Vampire-Powers on my character to make her think she was naked (or was it get naked) and then a bunch of guys I didn't know surrounded me and started commenting on my body. Oh, sure, they were nice comments and maybe I should have been flattered.

Instead, I felt incredibly disturbed, objectified, and uncomfortable. So I walked out before the scene ended, because if I'm going to feel that uncomfortable, I'm going to leave.

The game organiser, who missed most of this, chased after me and assured me that these guys were nice guys, they didn't mean anything by it, it was just foolishness, he was really sorry it had happened, and could I please come back. I have to give props where it's due - he tried really hard to make me feel comfortable after that.

But I still remember that feeling, that leering and commenting, and how, in the end, only one guy apologised for making me uncomfortable. The rest of them pretended it didn't happen.

I wish more folks would stop pretending this stuff didn't happen, that it didn't affect or sour people's perceptions of gaming, of Cons, of science fiction fandom. As I'm reading and following the Free Range Open Source Boobs Project as it makes its merry way around the internet, I'm having a hard time remembering how much fun I had the two years I went to ConVersion in Calgary. I've always talked so glowingly of that Con because of how safe it felt, how wonderful and, frankly, how attractive I felt there. Guys treated me like I was Pretty Enough, and it was nice. I'm aware that it's pretty pathetically shallow of me to think a space where I got to be Pretty Enough added to my enjoyment of a Con, but I don't feel Pretty Enough very often.

And yet, reading comment after comment of "this is why I don't go to Cons", "these guys are why I don't game anymore", "this is just disgusting me and turning my stomach"... I can't pretend this stuff doesn't happen because it's happened to me. I can't pretend that I haven't felt seriously pressured sexually at games and Cons, and how that's affected my feelings about those games afterwards. I can't pretend that people around me who were aware I was uncomfortable didn't just ignore it, because some folks did - and I've never forgotten that feeling.

So, here is my pledge to the Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Program. I'm here. I won't ignore you or pretend it's not happening. I won't pretend that women don't make other women feel sexually pressured, either, because I've felt that too.

I pledge to believe you - to believe you if you tell me you're okay, to believe you if I'm flirting with you and you ask me to back off, to believe you if you tell me that someone else made you uncomfortable enough to want to leave.

I believe you.

Let's have each other's backs.


For the Menfolk in the crowd:

"In addition, I think that YCR members should be proactive, following a "Friends don't let friends be Creepy Guys" policy. More than serving as distractions for Creepy Guys or as back to the Backup as described, we YCR men can look at our friends, and say,"Dude, you're being a dick. Stop it." before things get to the point where the Backup has to intervene. And, if a situation warrants it, we can educate them in the wrongness of said behavior, so that they go forth and be Creepy no more."... This is what women cannot do for ourselves. We cannot be guys talking to other guys. That is a job only the Gentlemen's Auxiliary can do. Guys. Talk to each other. I promise most of you can be lots of fun. You will enjoy it. There can be beer involved! It is traditional. Go to!